Episode 11: Not In A Sexy Way
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ANNOUNCER: Around Australia on the AusEtherial network, and across the world online, this is Supernatural Sexuality with Doctor Seabrooke!
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SEABROOKE: Hello everyone, welcome back to Supernatural Sexuality! I’m your host, Dr Olivia Seabrooke. Join me tonight as I take calls from listeners like you, who have questions about their relationships or sexualities. Around Australia, your toll-free number is 1800 975 711, and our international callers can always contact us via our Geistline, at SeabrookeOnAir.
I’ve got to admit, the Death and Relationships conference last week was such a fun time, but god, am I happy to be back in the studio. I was not expecting such big crowds! I ended up having to schedule two other Meet and Greet sessions that weekend to keep up with the demand! I saw so many people who have gotten so much from this show, it’s certainly given me a new perspective on how my work helps people!
Speaking of which, I think it’s time to get to this week’s calls! We’ve got our first caller up, you’re on the air with Dr Seabrooke, go ahead!
AVERY: Hi Dr Seabrooke, my name's Avery, I need some advice
SEABROOKE: That’s what I’m here for Avery, what’s the issue?
AVERY: Well, I’ve been dating this woman for a few months, mostly long-distance, and it’s been going really well! And we’ve decided that we’re going to meet up in person, soon, at her place.
SEABROOKE: That sounds so good to hear! Sounds like you two are doing well, so why the call today?
AVERY: Well, the thing is, she’s a Gorgon.
SEABROOKE: Ah. I’d guess that’s the reason for the long distance.
AVERY: Yeah, she lives in a really remote place. Mostly gets things delivered online these days, and photos and video of Gorgons don’t petrify people, so she has a really active social life online, especially with me! But… we do want to meet up, at her place, obviously--
SEABROOKE: Obviously.
AVERY: So, I’m just wanting to get some advice on how we can interact with each other in person without getting hurt?
SEABROOKE: Well, first up, that’s a really good attitude, wanting to have plans in place to mitigate the risks. I’m glad you’ve called tonight.
AVERY: Thank you!
SEABROOKE: So, the good news is that, as you pointed out, Gorgon petrification only happens with direct eye contact, so avoiding that eye contact is the best way to keep you safe. You can work to just keep your eyes down, but if she has mirrors in the house, you can always communicate visually through those, although that’s risky - it can be very easy to forget and turn around, and need a sudden awkward hospital visit.
AVERY: Yeah, that’s a good point.
SEABROOKE: A safer option is to work with blindfolds - it’s a lot safer because you certainly can’t forget to use them when they’re right on your face. So if you’re willing to be blindfolded the whole time you’re there, that’s an easy option.
AVERY: But then I don’t get to see her, you know?
SEABROOKE: That is a big drawback, very true, but when it comes to safety, it’s one of the most effective, and cheap, options. If you do have some money spare, there are some special goggles that you can get these days. They have digital screens in them, linked to a camera, so you can see everything second-hand. They’re pretty light-weight these days, not much bigger than a mobile phone. Just make sure you charge them each night you’re there!
AVERY: Huh, I’ve never heard of that before!
SEABROOKE: They’re a pretty recent invention, but they are out there! If you go this route, or any other route, honestly, the other important issue I want you to remember is to be a little careful during sex, if that’s your plan - The goggles are great, but if they get knocked off, again, very awkward visit to the hospital to de-petrify you!
AVERY: Oh-oh. Yeah, [laughs lightly] that would be very awkward!
SEABROOKE: Indeed! And I’d absolutely recommend a backup blindfold anyway, at least for sleep and such. Also, there are a lot of fun games you can play with blindfolds! A lot of couples use blindfolds as a way of heightening other senses during sex, and there’s no reason why you can’t have some fun with your protective gear! If you need it, why not use it, you know?
AVERY: Yeah, I can see how that could work!
SEABROOKE: Excellent. So does that help you out?
AVERY: Yeah, it does, actually. Sounds like I should go shopping pretty soon.
SEABROOKE: It sounds like. Well, I hope you and your Gorgon-friend have an excellent and safe time! Thanks for the call.
I love when people think ahead on these sorts of things. A little bit of knowledge can save so much trouble in the long run, so it’s always good to do a little research!
Now, our next caller, Chava, is on the line! Shannon tells me that they’re using a text to speech device, so bear with us as we make sure that they have enough time to type out their answers. Chava, go ahead and tell me about your issue.
CHAVA:[SFX: Keyboard typing] [Robotic text-to-speech voice] Thanks Dr Seabrooke. Could you please not use imperatives?
SEABROOKE: Imperatives?
CHAVA: [Background SFX: Keyboard typing] Just now you said, “tell me about your issue.” It’s phrased kind of like a command. I’m very susceptible to commands. Of course, I called in because I want to tell you about the problem. I’m happy to tell you about the problem, I want your help but later you might give me advice, and if you say it to me like an order it gets really hard for me to disobey.
SEABROOKE: Ah, sure! Of course! I’ll keep that in mind. Pull me up if I phrase things as imperatives again.
CHAVA: [Background SFX: Keyboard typing] I’m afraid you just did it again. Sorry to be a pain!
SEABROOKE: So I did! Hah, I’ll keep a closer ear out for that. Now I can’t help wondering whether this is related to your issue.
CHAVA: [Background SFX: Keyboard typing] It is. You see, I’m a golem. Hence the typing.
SEABROOKE: Ah, of course! During my studies in Germany, I met a few golems who didn’t speak using their mouths. I don’t want to drag you too far off topic explaining the basics, but for our listeners who may not be aware, my understanding is that many golems are created without the capacity for verbal speech.
CHAVA: [Background SFX: Keyboard typing] That’s right Doctor. Some of our creators didn’t see the need to let us talk. Lots of us were originally created to work, or to protect, or to serve someone else’s needs. That was a long time ago for me, but it has to do with my problem.
SEABROOKE: Go on – er, sorry, I mean, I’m curious to know more.
CHAVA: [Background SFX: Keyboard typing] I met this human, and we’ve started going out. It’s been wonderful, but confusing.
SEABROOKE: How so?
CHAVA: [Background SFX: Keyboard typing] They say the nicest things about me. They’re hard to believe, but I’m trying. Or at least I’m considering them. Like I said, I’m very malleable. It’s hard to know how to take a compliment when you can feel it shaping you.
SEABROOKE: Sounds like there are some identity issues going on.
CHAVA: [Background SFX: Keyboard typing] Oh boy, absolutely. But also, my partner likes me and wants to be good to me. And that’s great, but it’s actually the biggest problem.
SEABROOKE: Mm. It can be hard to enjoy receiving when we’ve got a long history of being expected to just give, right?
CHAVA: [Background SFX: Keyboard typing] Definitely part of it, but I’m getting better at that. Hang on, I typed out the explanation in advance, let me just load it up. [Background SFX: A mouse clicks twice.]
One of the hard parts about being a free golem is that golems are created to serve – sometimes even to serve a lofty goal, but not a lofty goal that we choose. That makes it hard for us to know what we want. I’ve done work I’m really proud of because of what I was made to do, but it’s complicated, and in my personal life, it’s easy to default to just following typical rules or pleasing others. My partner is really good at not pressuring me and not taking advantage of how much I want to please them. They want to please me too. But I don’t know what I like or what I want. Everything – hobbies, choosing a restaurant, even the physical side of things – it all feels like I’m constantly having to make decisions, and I don’t know where my preferences come from or how to hear them. Sometimes I second-guess everything, or just ask them to choose, just to get it out of the way. Sometimes choice feels impossible. I just want to know how to tell what I want.
SEABROOKE: Chava, what you’re describing is a classic struggle for beings who haven’t always been free, or who find it hard to get in touch with their desires. It’s wonderful that you’re in a good place to experiment, with choice and control and someone supportive in your corner, but you’ve explained beautifully how a supportive person isn’t always enough, especially when you’re second - guessing yourself. I have an idea – I’m going to take a second to think, so I can be careful to avoid instructions when I say this.
CHAVA: [Background SFX: Keyboard typing] Thank you. You’d be amazed how hard it is for some people.
SEABROOKE: I’m actually remembering that one of my family therapy instructors taught me to use exactly that kind of phrasing with shy or reluctant clients! Just goes to show, you never stop learning. Anyway... I think it could help to stop trying to figure out exactly what you want before you ask for it. You’re looking for certainty, and I think you may want to try focusing on curiosity instead. Approach – I mean, you could try approaching desires like a scientist, or like a child. It’s like, when we’re very young and first exploring the world, we try a bit of everything, and our focus is on learning and sensation. We aren’t looking to be sure, we’re just looking. Do you have some time alone coming up?
CHAVA: [Background SFX: Keyboard typing] I do.
SEABROOKE: Okay, perfect! One thing you could do is to sit and think up lots of lists – lists of food, lists of outdoor activities, games, conversation topics, even sex acts, and see which ideas sparks curiosity. You wouldn’t have to feel sure that you want anything on any list, only that it feels interesting and not actively upsetting. Then, you could try those things out, alone or with your partner or with someone else, and just see what you notice, all the details and feelings, without pressing yourself to make a final judgment. You can stop any of them any time, or try variations if something sparks good feelings. How does that sound?
CHAVA: [Background SFX: Keyboard typing] That makes a lot of sense. It sounds a lot less stressful than freaking out in front of my partner’s family about whether I really like chicken soup or I just think I ought to like chicken soup.
SEABROOKE: Oof, that sounds tough. It can take a while to decide on our tastes. A lot of us are less sure than we admit! It’s all about discovery, not about being sure. Good luck, Chava! I hope this helps.
CHAVA: [Background SFX: Keyboard typing] Me too! Thanks Doctor Seabrooke.
SEABROOKE: Thanks for the call.
It can be difficult, not just for golems, to know what it is you really want. Chava is absolutely doing the right thing here, working to find out what that means for them. Often the only way to find out what you want is to try enough things to learn, so don’t be afraid to experiment a little, if that’s what you need.
This is Supernatural Sexuality, I’m Doctor Seabrooke, time for a quick ad break, see you when we return.
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Welcome back to Supernatural Sexuality, I’m Doctor Seabrooke, let’s get back to the calls! You’re on the air with Doctor Seabrooke, how can I help?
AVA: Hi, Dr Seabrooke, my name is Ava, thank you for taking my call. I’m, uh, not bad, but not great.
SEABROOKE: I guess you wouldn’t be on my line if everything was great, Ava.
AVA: [small laugh] Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
SEABROOKE: What can I help you with today, Ava?
AVA: I think I’m in love with my best friend. She’s the most radiant person I’ve ever met. Like, like when she smiles it lights up the whole world.
SEABROOKE: Oh, how lovely! And does she know?
AVA: No! Of course not! [exhales] And that’s not the whole problem, Doctor. She’s a human, but I’m a vampire. And I’m asexual. I’m double weird here.
SEABROOKE: Now now, Ava, you’re very far from weird. I’ve seen plenty of happy and healthy human-vampire relationships, and asexual has never meant unloveable. Don’t count yourself out so easy.
AVA: There’s actually one other thing...
SEABROOKE: Go on.
AVA: So, like, she smells really good. I feel like that guy in those vampire romance books, because she smells sooo good and I really want to... taste her blood. But not in a sexual way! It’s not a sexy thing! But I also have a crush on her. It’s really confusing.
SEABROOKE: I can certainly imagine. Blood-drinking has definitely been sexualized in popular media, so it’s no wonder you’re feeling so confused about that urge conflicting with your sexuality.
AVA: Yeah. I’d love to drink her blood, but in a platonic way? Or— or not platonically, but not sexually. And definitely not to kill or turn her! [distressed sigh] I hate stereotypes.
SEABROOKE: Do you think your blood-drinking desires are linked to you wanting to be close and intimate with your crush in a non-sexual, yet intimate way?
AVA: [sighs] Probably. I haven’t really thought about it beyond screaming internally a whole lot.
SEABROOKE: Well, let’s see if we can make any telepaths you meet a little more comfortable, shall we? Have you talked to her about any of this?
AVA: No! How-how would I even go about that? “Hey, I want to suck your blood, but not in a sexy way. By the way, wanna get dinner?”
SEABROOKE: Well, maybe not exactly like that. But you’re not far off. You may be ace, but you’re not aromantic, correct?
AVA: I... think so. Yeah.
SEABROOKE: You can very much still have strong romantic feelings for others, you know. That doesn’t need to conflict with your asexuality. Despite what modern culture would tell you, sex and love aren’t inherently linked.
AVA: I guess...
SEABROOKE: Blood-drinking may have become sexualized by many, but it doesn’t mean every vampire views it that way. It’s about food, comfort, pleasure, whatever you want. You can decide what it means for you.
AVA: I wish more people thought like you, Doctor.
SEABROOKE: Are you worried your best friend doesn’t? She clearly has no problem with vampires if you two are so close.
AVA: But what if she actually does? What if she says no and then never talks to me again?
SEABROOKE: Ava, that’s the anxiety we all face when revealing our feelings to someone we care about. I’m sure she cares about you a great deal, and if she does secretly hate vampires, wouldn’t you rather know?
My point is, you shouldn’t let your fear stop you from being honest with the people you love. You are much more normal than you realise.
AVA: Thanks, I actually really needed to hear that.
SEABROOKE: Of course. We all do, sometimes.
AVA: I think I’m gonna tell her. You’re right, I can’t keep letting my anxiety get in my way!
SEABROOKE: Remember to explain your feelings clearly and I know you’ll do fine.
AVA: Thank you, Doctor.
SEABROOKE: Thank you, Ava. I wish you all the best, and thanks for the call!
I think it’s good to repeat it, relationships aren’t just about sex - relationships are about what is meaningful to you. Not everyone has a sex drive, but everyone has the right to be in a relationship, if that’s what they want.
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That about wraps things up for this week, I’d like to thank Avery, Chava, and Ava for their calls tonight, and as always thanks to Shannon Forth, our producer. I’m Dr. Olivia Seabrooke, this has been Supernatural Sexuality. I hope you’ve found something in our show tonight, and I hope your relationships find their way. See you next week.
ANNOUNCER: Supernatural Sexuality with Doctor Seabrooke was written by Lee-Davis Thalbourne, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.
Doctor Olivia Seabrooke is voiced by Mama Boho.
Avery was voiced by Rowan Quinn, with the call written by Lee Davis-Thalbourne.
Chava was voiced by Speech2Go Online's Raveena voice, with the call written by Hannah Aroni.
And Ava was voiced by Rory Eggleston with the call written by Saf Davidson.
The Voice of the AusEtherial Network is Lee Davis-Thalbourne.
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Up next on the AusEtherial Network, enjoy the wacky tales of Farloria’s House of Healing, in Alba Salix, Royal Physician! Find out more about this great show at albasalix.com!
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